Queen Susan the Gentle
by VoiDreamer
Summary: Her second departure brought her a heartbreak from which she was sure she would never escape, but now it will take all of Susan’s courage to return to Narnia one last time to save the man she loves, even if he can no longer love her. CaspianxSusan
1. Chapter 1: Tricking the Heart

Ok...So I went to go see this movie...and I fell totally in love with the CaspianxSusan pairing. I think it might be one of the few times I'm actually in love with a _movie_ pairing. In any case, I've decided to see if I can write in this genre because I really do enjoy reading these sorts of fics and I figured I might as well add a little something if I could (though goodness knows there are better fics than this one...).

Anyway, hope everyone likes it and I'll see everyone around.

For all my readers who know me from my ME fic - don't worry I'm still going to be working on that one too!

Thanks again guys!

Voi

_P.S. (Disclaimer) I do not own anything you recognize (characters/anything Narnia), they all belong to C.S. Lewis. At the same time, I do own the plot of this particular fic (though I suppose you could use it if you want) and the disclaimer for the song is at the bottom of the page._

_With a sigh you turn away  
with a deepening heart  
no more words to say  
You will find that the world has changed forever.  
And the trees are now turning from green to gold  
And the sun is now fading  
I wish I could hold you closer_

"1300 years divided by 365 days…"

It was nearly midnight, the skies over London a deep navy-black lit only by the pinpoints of white light, stars. Everyone should have been sleeping, resting their weary minds in the comfort of blissful unconsciousness. But what one _should_ do is not always what one _wants_ to do. Such was the case with Susan Pevensie who sat at her small desk bent over a piece of paper trying to see enough of her work by moonlight so that she might continue her calculations. Living during the war had ingrained in her an unwillingness to turn on even a single lamp after dark and so Susan continued to strain, unwilling to stop even at the expense of her eyes.

"If I carry this and then add the decimal point then…" The older Pevensie girl fell into silence as she began to scribble furiously. Mind focused completely on the work before her she never noticed the soft rustling of blankets as her younger sister turned in her sleep and then woke up. Too focused on the solution that now lay in front of her, Susan was caught by the sheer finality of her conclusion before a voice tore her quite effectively away.

"Su?"

Startled Susan's hand jerked and tossed the pen from her grip, the knuckles on her other hand clenching the edge of her chair reflexively.

"Lucy?" From her place by the window Susan could only just barely make out the dark outline of her sister as she rose to sit up.

"Why are you still up?" the younger girl asked, "We have school tomorrow and I know you finished all of your homework when we got home."

"I…" Susan didn't have to see the other girls' face to know she was concerned, "I couldn't sleep again."

No sense in hiding the truth, ever since returning from Narnia three days ago Susan had found herself unable to manage an entire night of sleep. Images of their journey had plagued her, of Narnia; of Telmar, of…she refused to give a name to the face that was so burned into her mind. It hurt just to remember much less think of his name and all longing that it evoked.

"Have your dreams been getting worse?" Lucy wanted to know; already she was pushing her blankets aside so that she might join her sister who was sitting quietly at her desk.

"I…I wasn't even able to get to sleep tonight" Susan admitted as she turned to face the window and look at the moon, "I couldn't stop thinking."

"About him?" Lucy's response was automatic but she regretted it immediately as Susan stiffened visibly and stilled.

She had been right of course; Susan could not deny that Lucy was perceptive beyond her years. But it hurt to be reminded of what she had lost so recently. Every waking moment was spend reliving their precious few moments together, each touch, smile, gentle caress. She dared not sleep for fear that she would wake up sobbing for his arms around her.

"Susan, what happened between you two…I don't really understand but…"

They had both been adults once. Not so long ago, just barely more than a year – but it seemed in this moment as if they were once more the children they looked like and not the adults they felt deep within.

"It's ok Lucy; I think that I'm getting over him…" Susan's voice came from a long way off, as if even she was not hearing the words she was speaking.

"What do you mean Susan?"

"It's been three…no I suppose it's four days since we've been to Narnia."

"Yes, and?"

"In Narnian time that's about 14 years Lucy. For every day that we are gone nearly three," Susan looked quickly at the paper she had been working on, "and a half years pass. King Casp-," Susan caught herself before she could say his name, "he's nearly thirty by now. He probably married and has children…"

Despite her best attempt at trying to stay in control Lucy could hear the ache in her sisters' voice, the trembling of her silhouette against the pale light cast by the night sky.

Susan would never admit to the pain, so that the other three might feel less burdened. She would hide it away so that Peter could feel confident that he had protected his family, and Edmond could feel that he had shielded both girls whenever his elder brother could not. Even Lucy knew that her mild pain over her sisters' feelings would pale in comparison if the older girl ever did reveal the true depth of her agony.

Queen Susan the Gentle, the lady of kind heart and selflessness; the title had never been more of a burden than it was now. And as Lucy looked at the regal and deceptively tranquil profile of her sisters' face she realized she might never know.

"I wish I had never gone back to Narnia." Susan whispered to the still of her room, "I wish I had never met him…"

_No_, thought Lucy sadly, _you wish you had never left._

"Hey Su, have you seen my book bag anywhere?"

It was another busy morning at the Pevensies' home and if one had simply glanced at them it would seem the same as it had been months ago, much less weeks ago. But for the four there were subtle changes that each one noticed.

"Your bag is in the hallway closet Ed, right next to Peters'."

From her place in the kitchen Susan managed to multitask as she always had. Their mother and father had long since left for work and so the care of the children fell to Susan. Though she supposed that if one really thought about it the responsibility fell to Peter; not that she could imagine her older brother cooking anything edible.

Susan allowed herself a small smile at the thought and then went back to cooking the omelets.

"Hey Lucy?" In the living room of the Pevensies' modest home Peter tried to get his sisters' attention while he tightened the laces on his shoes.

"Yes Peter?" The youngest Pevensie paused on her way to the kitchen.

"Has Susan said anything to you lately? She's been…more quiet than usual. "

Lucy could feel the sad smile form on her lips, "I think our last trip to Narnia changed Susan more so than any of us."

"You mean it's because of Caspian that she…"

"Peter? Lucy? Hurry up, you two; we're going to be late! Eat your breakfast and then we have got to go."

And without another word the two Pevensie dreamers simply sighed and made their way to the kitchen; it was just another day.

School seemed to crawl by, every second as agonizing as if someone was slowly ripping her heart into smaller and smaller pieces. Not only was it long, but worse, it no longer had anything to teach 

her. Once a hard working honor student, Susan was now resigned to merely starring out the window of the classroom and let the droning of the teachers' voice become background noise.

Her mind was no longer on the complex mathematics on the board, rather, it was on the handsome brunette prince she had met but a month ago, and left only four days before.

_He could already be married and have children…_

It hurt no matter how many times she told herself it could be the truth, _was_ the truth. Because no matter how much she wanted to believe that the excuse was enough it was not enough to make her stop caring about him.

_Couldn't _s_top loving him…stop hurting…_

"Ms. Pevensie I do hope that you've been paying enough attention to this class to tell me how this problem is solved using the Partial Fractional Decomposition method we just discussed."

Susans' blank stare should have suggested that she didn't know, but instead she just sighed tiredly and rattled off the answer with barely a bat of an eyelash. Then she turned back to the window and continued to lose herself in the view of the city leaving her teacher and the rest of the students to look on in wonder. Why did they even bother anymore?

Indeed, her response was nothing new, but it still left such an impression that Susan half wished the teacher would stop calling on her. Ever since their first adventure in Narnia all of the children had been doing exceedingly well in school, having lived an entire lifetime in the alternate world had more than prepared them for the very elementary education they now had to repeat as children.

The whole thing just made her so _tired_ of being…

"Phyllis? Are you going to lunch?"

Susan would have groaned if it was not so contradictory to her character. It was _him_ again, that boy from the newspaper stand. She couldn't even remember his name, no matter how many times he told her, and she doubted she would ever care enough to remember. Still, it wouldn't solve her problem to just sit unmoving, and so, without another word she grabbed her bag, all of her books and left both boy and room behind. Pausing only for a moment to stop the teacher, hand in all the homework for that day.

And then she was free.

City streets she had never explored became part of the days' journey, the small street vendor's places to lay curiosity to rest and gaze in wonder at some of their bizarre wares. Life gained a little more color in those hours of mindless travel and, if only for a moment, Susan felt herself believe that she could move on.

And that was when she heard it, the echoing hollow sound of a horn as it pierced the still of the afternoon. The note crawled up Susan's spine, chilling her, making her hands suddenly clammy as it shattered her belief in her ability to heal herself.

_It wasn't him…he wasn't calling out for help…_

In one of the recesses of her mind she _knew_ that the sound was not from her horn, it was too sharp where hers had been mellow; it was fake where hers was real. But even with all her logic there was nothing that could stop the tightness in her chest, the pain that stung her heart and the world as it swam before her eyes.

_He isn't in trouble...he's fine…you know how well he fights…_

An image of his handsome figure amidst the fighting flashed before her eyes, and it was more than Susan could stand.

_There is no need to worry…he knows how to look after himself…_

Staggering to a nearby bench she had left not a moment earlier Susan pressed one hand to her mouth to stifle the loud sobbing that was escaping her lips and with the other clenched to the front of her shirt by her heart, nearly unusable as it trembled violently.

It didn't matter anymore if he was safe or not; she wanted to be there with him. It hurt too much to lie anymore to tell herself that she would somehow love him less despite the fact that he had, in all likelihood, moved on.

She longed to protect him from harm as she once had, and to feel him close whenever she closed her eyes. To see those dark eyes so rich in passion as he stared at her, to feel the warmth of his calloused hand against her own soft ones and to feel the firm press of his lips as he kissed her.

And then the hand at her mouth slipped and out poured all of the pain, the agony and loneliness, escaping into the air as Susan was steadily swallowed whole.

"Caspian…"

Lyrics in the beginning are from the House of Healing song on the Lord of the Rings Soundtrack (try reading this fic with the song playing – I think it sounds better J )

Hope everyone enjoyed this one - I'm not sure about making a few more chapters for this one (hopefully more happy) but I'd like to see how people feel first. So if you like it please send me a review (even if it's just a really simple 'more please') I'd love to hear from all of you.

And as always reviews as well as constructive criticism is always appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2: Hearts Longing and Sacrifice

Hey there everyone! Thanks so much for the words of encouragement - I appreciate all the nice things that everyone has been saying. I hope you enjoy this next chapter!!

As always - I own nothing you recognize though the plot is of my own design.

* * *

Chapter 2

Knocking on the door to the Professors' mansion brought back memories that washed over her with increasing nostalgia. Each hollow echo that resounded through the house a step back in time until Lucy could quite clearly see herself standing before the old wardrobe that started it all.

"Lucy, I think that they heard us."

From behind her she could hear her brother Edmond sigh in exasperation as he set down his suitcase and bent over to catch his breath. They had all decided to walk to the large mansion from the train platform instead of catching a ride as they had before hoping that the familiar surroundings and the strenuous work would help them all forget the pains that never seemed to leave them alone.

Especially Susan.

Nearly a week ago she had scared Lucy when she had picked her up from class. It was obvious from the state of her clothes that she had been somewhere other than their school and upon closer inspection Lucy found that her sisters' eyes were red-rimmed from crying. But Susan acted as if nothing was wrong; and when asked why she was crying all she did was smile softly.

Lucy had yet to tell anyone, the sad smile on Susans' face burned before her eyes whenever she thought of telling someone. It made her stomach twist in worry whenever she saw that smile; her sister never could be honest with herself.

"Hey Ed, did you remember to pack those books we borrowed from the Professor?" Susan's kind but sedate voice broke through the silence that had permeated the air between the four children.

"Hmm? The youngest Pevensie boy straightened up slowly having finally caught his breath but paused to push his dark hair out of his eyes, he really needed a haircut.

"The books Ed, the ones I was going to talk to him about…" she started listing the titles of various books that Lucy had never heard of before, and it was in the moment before Lucy turned away to try knocking once more that the door swung open.

"Children?" The Professor sounded confused as he looked over the rims of his glasses to the four standing on his doormat.

"You said we could come visit any time we wanted," Lucy reminded him excitedly as she moved through the door frame and began climbing the large flight of stairs.

"So we decided to take this long weekend here at your house," Edmund continued Lucys' sentence as he collected himself to pick up the two large bags that contained much more than his own clothes.

"I hope we're not imposing," Susan said quietly as quickly stole up the staircase and without another word disappeared behind the door that led to the library.

"No of course not…" the professor managed, but before he could finish the door to the library closed with a soft click.

"I apologize professor."

Peter Pevensie, the only one who had not run into the house paused as he hung his jacket on one of the drawing room chairs.

"Did something happen with Susan?" The words left Professor Kirkes' lips almost the instant the older man turned to the younger.

"Professor?"

"Susan…did something happen to her?"

It was common knowledge to all the children that the older gentleman had been to Narnia as a child and so there was no doubting the Professor wondered if Susan had been affected by that alternate world.

Peter could only shake his head. He wondered if the professor had always been this perceptive about all the children. Susan had scarcely said a sentence to him and already the older man knew that something was not right.

"It's not anything we're absolutely sure about. She's been a bit more quiet than usual but you would probably have to ask Lucy. She's the one Susan really has been talking to." Peter answered as helpfully as he could.

"No that's alright Peter – we shall let your sister the peace she probably wants – now, would you like some help with those bags?"

* * *

Susan woke up in the middle of the night with a gasp, as she bolted upright into the dark. Her hair stuck to her forehead slick with sweat and her forehead was damp with cold sweat. Hands trembled as she quickly brushed the moisture from her eyes and with a shuddering sigh she looked around. Despite the hour the moon still provided ample light to see. Unlike the city which had so many other lights the country had a clear view of the sky and the porcelain orb that was the moon.

Susan wondered if she could ever remember a moon quite like that in Narnia, not that that would help her now, not with all of the thoughts running rampant through her already sleep deprived mind.

She had dreamed of him again, standing in a dim stone room chained to the wall as he gazed out the high window to the stars above. Wounds of varying severity marred his face, neck, arms; his chest all but exposed by the scrap of cloth she could only imagine was once a shirt. The pain she felt as she read the agony on his face was second only to the haunted look in his eyes as he stared into space. Susan could not remember if she had ever seen that particularly blank look on his face or the severe set of his lips that refused to tremble despite their blue pallor.

He _was_ in trouble, of that she was sure.

And another thing she was sure of was that she could help him. It was gut instinct rather than the logic of her brain that told her thus, and for once Susan believed in something other than the cold analysis that flowed so readily from her mind.

She couldn't stand to wait any longer.

She had to get to him…now.

* * *

Lucy woke up the next morning to find herself alone in the large bedroom Susan's bed strangely vacant. If they had been in their London home such an occurrence would not have worried her; Susan was usually the first to wake so as to give her time to make breakfast. But the older girl had always taken advantage of their visits to sleep in and allow the hired help in the mansion to take care of the morning meal.

"Susan?"

Lucy got out of her bed quickly and slipped on her plush slippers before walking to her sisters' bed. A brief touch on the pillow felt cold, and Lucy felt her worry increase that much more.

_Where had Susan gone this time?_

Shuffling down the hallway Lucy failed to notice anything out of place and as she approached the doors that led to the library, a place that Susan frequented while they were here.

But upon pushing the door open Lucy found the room empty and without a trace of life.

_Where could she have gone?_

Lucy had been looking for little over half an hour before she found herself standing before the wardrobe that had started their journey. It was as large as she remembered it; nearly a year and a week had not diminished the image that was forever fixed in her mind.

The decorative oak whorls were as intricate as they ever had been, the image of a castle in the background a reminder of Cair Paravel, and the intelligent eyes of the great lion head carved into the side…Aslan.

_Lucy…_

The deep voice had been calling her ever since she had arrived at the mansion.

_Lucy…_

"Aslan?"

_Thank goodness…quick; place your hand on my forehead._

"Forehead?" Lucy looked around the room confused, "Where are you?"

_There…on the wardrobe…_

Lucy's eyes returned to the finely carved lions' head and gazed at it with new appreciation. So this was more than just a carven image.

"Ok, here I go."

And without any hesitation Lucys' hand extended until it was palm down on the smooth wood of Aslans' forehead, gasping suddenly as images began flashing through her mind.

* * *

Susan sobbed as her fist slammed against the wood that made up the back of the wardrobe for what seemed to be the hundredth time; she had crawled into the dark of the wardrobe hours ago to try and reach Narnia but had found the entrance blocked.

Aslan had told her in their last journey that she would no longer be able to travel back to Narnia, but still it had been a shock to find how absolute it seemed.

Pausing for a moment to catch her breath Susan gingerly touched her throbbing hand to warm cheek before taking a deep breath and starting again; the sting of her fist against the rough texture of the wood only adding to the pain that grew from her chest.

"Susan?"

Having isolated herself ever since arriving at the mansion the voice was successful in violently jerking Susan from her pain and she turned quickly at the sound.

"Who is it?" a bare whisper.

"Susan…you must hurry! It's me Lucy. Please you have to come quick – it's an emergency!"

"An emergency?" Susan lurched forward to her feet and then groped around in the dark until she could make out a faint light from the entrance of the wardrobe.

"Lucy? What happened? Is it Peter…or…did Edmund play around the pond again? If he did and he got hurt I swear I…"

Susan emerged from dark nearly tripping as she stepped out of the thick fur coats and luxurious shawls.

"Susan."

Susan looked around and spotted her younger sister sitting on one of the window ledges, her eyes turned to look outside. The solemn look on her face seeming alien on a girl who was so usually excited and full of life.

"Lucy what has happened?" The older Pevensie girl approached her younger sister and lay a comforting hand on her arm, "Why do you look like that?"

"I want you to take this Susan." Lucy refused to look at her sister as she removed the small bracelet on her wrist and placed it in her sister's hand.

It had been a gift from their parents, a simple silver bracelet with an ornate silver locket. Lucy had put a picture of the family in it and had kept it with her no matter what.

Seeing the locket in her outstretched hand Lucy felt a particular pain rip through her but remained firm. There would be no going back after this.

"Lucy, what's going on? Why are you doing this?" Susan's voice was tight with alarm, "What is the emergency?"

Lucy turned to her sister for the first time that morning and the last of her life time, "its Caspian. Susan, he's in trouble."

Susan froze instantly, her hand reaching up to clutch at her heart.

"_What?"_

"There was an attack on his castle shortly after we left. They couldn't breach the castle itself, but they started killing the villagers and kidnapping the children."

"But how does that-"

"You know Caspian, Susan; you more than any of us know what he would have done. He traded himself for the safety of his people; there was nothing else he could have done. All of his guards he sent to protect the people, but even they were slowly being killed off."

"But still…who would have the power to force him to-"Susan couldn't continue, the trembling in her voice a testament to how pained she was.

"Aslan didn't know…"

"What do you mean he _didn't _know? He's Aslan for goodness sakes!" Susan sniffed angrily as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"He needs us to go back to Narnia to find out." Lucy said evenly, looking at her sister with all the intelligence of her older self, "And it has to be _now._"

Despite her best attempts at keeping her tears at bay Susan felt two large drops run down her cheeks.

"I'll go get Edmund then," she whispered as she turned around, "You had best get ready for the trip too Lucy."

"But Susan…" Lucy interrupted her sister's movements out of the room, "We won't be going."

"What?" Susan turned around so fast Lucy half wondered if she hadn't been facing her the entire time.

"Edmund and I won't be going this time." Lucy repeated herself patiently.

"So then I should call Eustace?" Susan spoke referencing their cousin.

"No." Lucy smiled despite the absolute tone in her voice.

"Then who is going to save him?!" Susan's expression was a mixture of panic and anger.

Lucy paused for a moment before gesturing to Susan's right.

Turning to where her sister had pointed Susan grew confused. She was staring at her own reflection– a mirror.

_"Me?"_ Susan could scarcely get the word out of her mouth.

"Yes, you are the one going back. You care about Caspian the most, and so it makes sense for you to go."

"But Aslan…"

"There's no more time" Lucy interrupted her sister by running to her and enveloping her in a hug.

"Good luck!"

Then there was a great howling wind and Susan disappeared into thin air.

"Good luck…We love you… goodbye - forever."

* * *

"_Very well, circumstances being what they are, I will have Susan back in Narnia. But Lucy Pevensie, there must be a sacrifice on your part if Susan is to go back."_

_Lucy did not argue; this was but a memory of her talk with Aslan._

"_Susan does, after all, have no role in the events that are to come. It is you who was to help the new king."_

"_I understand," Lucy said calmly, "But I worry about Susan, she has not been the same ever since she left Narnia. I don't think she can get over Caspian even though she tries to hide it."_

_"Queen Susan the Gentle," Aslan mused, "truly she is still the woman she was in Narnia all those years ago."_

_"Please allow her back Aslan."_

_Aslan lifted his eyes to look at the small girl sitting on the mossy ground of their dreamscape and found instead Queen Lucy the Valiant in all of her glory._

_"We are still very much the adults we were when we first left." The older Lucy commented, "And as such we still have the same concepts of love, devotion and longing that we inherited in Narnia – Susan will never say so but each moment since we've come back has been more painful than any of us could imagine."_

_"So it is then – I will allow Susan Pevensie, daughter of Eve, to return to Narnia. In exchange, and because this will change the entire course of Narnia history, the price is that you never see Susan again – ever."_

_Lucy bowed her head in pain but sat quietly, she already knew her answer._

_"Do you agree to these terms fair Lucy?" Aslans' voice was a sad rumbling._

_A soft sighing filled with pain and yet the deep love of one sister for another._

_"Yes."_

* * *

_Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this latest installment- please review and I will try to add another chapter within the next month or so! Thanks again!!_

_VoiDreamer_


End file.
